Time to Reminisce

Another mad post !!!

2011-09-15T02:16:00.003+05:30

Malta, Rome, Pisa, Florence, Genova, Nice, Monte Carlo, Cannes... you'd think I have had my share of travelling for this year... I wish... running around for the UK visa now... :( :(

Though currently I have two exams, abstract, qualification, and project deadlines coming up, all I can think about is playing the guitar and watching Friends and going back to New York...

Trying to go on a diet... the Fiorentina made it easy for me to quit (almost) meat... Oh Fiorentina... you have spoilt me for other meat... hmmm... that sounds icky... however, those who have tasted her, would know what I mean. Though I sincerely pray that heavens (yeah, I figure if they do, there must be one or more for each religion) don't exist, cause if they do, I am surely going to hell...

I wish it'd rain... I wish I could fly... I don't really know what I want... this was probably one of the most exciting, yet one of the most boring years of my life...

Why does time fly, and I can't ???

curl behind proxy

2010-12-31T03:45:00.002+05:30

This post is more of a reference to myself. I tried to install some software ( homebrew in this case ) on my mac. Since I am behind a proxy, was constantly getting errors till I figured out curl has an option to work behind http proxy:-

sudo curl -x http://myhttpproxy:8888 -L http://github.com/mxcl/homebrew/tarball/master | sudo tar xz --strip 1 -C /usr/local

replace http://myhttpproxy with your http-proxy and 8888 with the port number.

Works like a charm :) :)

Musings on Android Design

2010-07-27T18:41:00.004+05:30

Recently I have been delving a lot into the Android platform. I am currently working on an m-learning application. The purpose is to provide education on the go... learn while you are stuck in the traffic, learn while you're sitting in the train.While working on the android, I realized how important developing proper UI designs was. So here is a post I liked :)Android UI Design Tips

And a more latest one:- A video from Google on Android UI design patterns

aaj boshonto...

2010-04-01T16:30:00.006+05:30

Its spring... raining in Trento, snowing in the mountains... got a lot of work... have a week's vacation coming up... yet bored... my state reminds me of a Bengali song:

Aaj hok na rong fekashey..

Tomar amar akashey..

Chaand er hasi hok na jotoi klanto

Bristi namuk na ba namuk, jhor uthuk nai ba uthuk...

Ful futuk nai ba futuk, aaj boshonto...

Getting lost in time and space again and again...

SSH over Proxy

2010-01-15T02:20:00.004+05:30

For a change I decided to work at home after coming back from the Uni.

It was really frustrating when I realised that I was unable to ssh to the Unix server at the University from my Unix Box at home.

The main reason was that we using a http proxy at our student residence and Linux ssh doesn't have any option of providing http_proxy directly.

Fairly sure that I had seen such an option in Putty on windows where I could enter the proxy, I booted my into Doze... Lo and behold..I was right. I could use a proxy to connect using ssh from Putty.

This was really frustrating for me as I hate to do any coding work on my Doze box. So after almost 20 mins of digging on the internet I came across this post which told me how to use a proxy with ssh:

http://www.zeitoun.net/articles/ssh-through-http-proxy/start

The article states that we need to have root access to our ssh machine to run the ssh on port 443. I didn't understand why. It works fine by letting your ssh run on port 22.

So to use ssh with proxy on Ubuntu do the following:

Installing a package called connect-proxy using:

sudo apt-get install connect-proxy

Then configure the ~/.ssh/config by adding:

## Outside of the firewall, with HTTPS proxy
Host machineTosshTo.com
ProxyCommand connect -H proxyserver.com:3128 %h 22
## Inside the firewall (do not use proxy)
Host *
ProxyCommand connect %h %p

The %h 22 in the line

ProxyCommand connect -H proxyserver.com:3128 %h 22

points to the port (in this case default port 22 ) where your ssh server on your remote machine is running

And then use:

ssh machineTosshTo.com

to connect.

Pretty simple :)

Bengali TRANCE :O ????

2010-01-14T16:15:00.004+05:30

"Aami tomake bhalobashi baby" ... OMG... how often do you come across bengali lyrics while listening to Trance???? That too on AOL Radio??? Tibet by Cloxx from Trance:Vocal Session 2006, Vol 2... :O

Update:
Oh... its also on youtube.. though spelt as Clokx... not Cloxx

Second Life

2010-01-09T16:54:00.002+05:30

Last week at the Modena station I saw the trailer of "Il mondo dei replicanti". Since my Italian is not really excellent, I thought its some X-menesque mutantish movie. But the "Surrogates" was a little different from what I expected. It reminded me of the game Second Life.

In a world where all of us are wired at all times, and live virtual lives online through social networks and avatars, is this the future? Living in a make-believe fantasy world where we are all heroes performing extraordinary feats, while our real bodies fatten up on soda and french fries on the sofa?

Even the "Gamer" I watched yesterday, talked about living such virtual lives through someone else.

With the amount of MMORGs on the lose, the fate of the world is already doomed. Millions of people are already wired up major portion of their times living in fantasy worlds saving princesses, or building castles; while others even shop, work and LIVE a "Second Life".

Around 10 years back I had read the catchline of a company which said "Be the person the chatroom thinks you are". I have no clue what that company was selling, but today almost everyone has a virtual life in which he or she lives the life of his or her dreams.

Reminds me of a conversation from the Big Bang Theory:

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.

Many Happy Returns of the day

2009-12-22T16:19:00.002+05:30

I wonder if its appropriate to wish someone "Many Happy Returns of the Day" on their wedding...

Its snowing in Trento. As I look out of the window and watch the snow gently fall on the ground, I feel lazy...

I am listening to Savatage - Agony and Ecstasy... though Progressive Rock is not the most romantic stuff to listen to when its snowing outside, somehow it fits in with the ecstasy mixed with agony in my heart...

Listen to me from deep down inside...
I'm the madness that just will not die.

Agyatobash

2009-10-12T15:44:00.001+05:30

Too lazy to search for a Bangla font, so here goes:-

"Achena Path, andhakare,
Mon royechhcey, bondho dyare.
Ekla amar potho chola,
Aaj shesh holo mor miththey bola.
Moner majhe meghla akash
Tai aaj theke mor agyatobash..."

You can't take Durga Pujo out of a Bengali's heart

2009-09-23T21:36:00.003+05:30

You can take a Bengali out of Bengal, but you can't take Durga Pujo out of his heart. This is the first time in my life when I'll not be able to hear rumblings of dhaak; this is the first time I'll not be able to watch dhunuchi naach, and bow down before Ma Durga. However being thousands of miles away from home doesn't really take the feeling of Durga Pujo out of a Bengali's heart. Today is Panchami, and even though I can't see the Kaashful sway gently in the breeze, I can somehow smell them. Even Though I can't hear the dhaak, my heart still dances to its beats.Although I am thousands of miles away from home, my head still bows down before Ma Durga. The very thought that it is Durga Pujo is enough to make me happy. It makes my heart sway and adds a certain gallop to my steps and makes me chirpy :).
Durga Pujo has never been a mere religious festival to me. And I had once said that Durga Pujoy Kolkata Las Vegas keo haar manay. Today I can say that Kolkata during Durga Pujo is not only more beautiful than Las Vegas, but the entire world. And as I close my eyes, somehow I am taken back to those streets I had walked down as a kid, and the sounds of pushpanjali and dhaak fill my ears, the smell of dhunuchi and dhup fill my senses... and I am there, a seven year old, holding my Mom's hand, waiting for the Pushpanjali to start..

You are an Indian in Trento if ....

2009-08-13T02:56:00.004+05:30

If you're the type who gets offended easily, and has no sense of humor... please stop reading now.

You are an Indian in Trento if:-

1) You carried a 5 Kg pressure cooker from India even though your luggage limit was 20 Kg.
2) You think Pizza hut/corner made better pizza than the ones found in Trento.
3) Your Pasta tastes like noodles back home.
4) Your Italian is very minimal and you always resort to English after 2 sentences.
5) You look at the girls and wish at least one of them would sleep with you.
6) You look at the guys and realize why the girls won't.
7) You still think that the drunk girl who kissed you at the party would have gone to bed with you if you could speak Italian.
8) You know someone who has dropped out from either a Masters or PhD.
9) You have tried to travel in the bus without punching your ticket.
10) You know who Manish is, and often refer to him for either Italian translation, advice or help.
11) You have at one point of time while reading this post, smiled because you could relate, and have cursed me too.

What Joe Cracker Really sang at Woodstock

2009-07-25T15:06:00.005+05:30

Singer : Joe Cocker.
WoodStock 1969

In 1969, Joe Cocker resang the Beatles "With a little help from my friends"... Here's what he sounded like:-

And the Original Beatles version:-

The actual Lyrics ( believe it or not, he was actually singing this):-

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me ?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my love is away
(Does it worry you to be alone ?)
How do I feel by the end of the day,
(Are you sad because you're on your own ?)

No, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I need somebody to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
What do you see when you turn out the light
I can't tell you but I know it's mine,

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody
I just need someone to love
Could it be anybody
I want somebody to love.

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
with a little help from my friends.

Time flies

2009-07-15T13:47:00.007+05:30

Well it has been quite some time since I wrote my last post. Quite a few things have happened in the last few days:-
1) Went on two hiking trips. One to Monte Calisio and the other to Pinzolo... Italy is beautiful. Have been meaning to blog about those trips ever since...
2) Was able to go past ciao, come stai and bene with my Italian... have added words like per favore, arrivederci, adesso and piutardi to the list :P
3) Finally got the specification from CSS... so its hard work now.
4) Completed my PhD application on the last day... so no hope of getting through - there have been over 1500 applications for this year :(
5) Started reading another of Robin Cook's medical thrillers... I am hooked on to RC :)
6) High time I started job hunting... Don't want to end up jobless...
7) The weather is enchanting... low hanging clouds, cool breeze, slight drizzle... I hate to be alone :(
8)Oh.. I missed the Miss Trentino regional finals :(

Pics of Miss Trento contest

2009-06-19T22:55:00.014+05:30

As promised: Click on this to view more pics on flickr

Miss Trento Italia 2009

2009-06-19T18:57:00.011+05:30

The last time I had watched a beauty pageant live was when I watched a few girls trying to catwalk on my Engineering college amphitheatre ( spot the Italian connection? ) way back in 2003. Last night had everything which that beauty pageant did not have. While I do not even remember the faces, leave alone the names of the participants or the winners of the 2003 contest, last night's faces will be imprinted on my mind for quite some time to come.

The evening began with the models swaying to the Pussycat Dolls' version of AR Rahman's Jai Ho. It was pretty funny listening to AR Rahman's music being performed on a stage in Italy where leave alone Hindi or Tamil, most of the people don't even understand English. So albeit the curses everyone had bestowed on Danny Boyle for his portrayal of India, I felt proud to hear the music play and was glad that the Slumdog had helped make a few millionaires.

You can find the video of the dance at:-

Sony DSC H9 does provide a decent video clarity.

As the evening progressed, and the models sashayed down the ramp first in Evening gowns, then in beachwear, and later in wedding gowns, all we could do was stare at them, mesmerized.

All of us had our favorites, and unfortunately I had to be satisfied with my favourite one Valeria Simonetti winning the fourth position with the title of Miss Peugeot.

The fight was down to Stefania Deval and Valentina Targa for the crown. But the 17 year old blonde Valentina Targa won hands down. She had the charm and grace of a beauty queen and exuded a lot of charisma as she walked down the ramp with the crown.

I have uploaded the two videos for the ones who missed the show. I'll also upload a few pics for the unfortunate ones.

I am looking forward to the regional finals Miss Trentino Alto Adige which will be held on the 8th of July at Piazza Duomo in Trento

Of death and other mortal things!!!

2009-05-27T16:26:00.003+05:30

I have nothing better to do right now. I spent the entire morning trying to model a toy ontology using WSMO... if you don't understand what that is... welcome to the league.
Then I started googling (google has become one of those brand names like xerox which has replaced the by the product name... Genericized trademarks ... blah blah if you know what I mean :P)
about random things. I came across a site where people ask for self-help advice... mind it I was not looking for self-help ... I guess even God can't help me with WSMO :P. Anyway I came across somebody who had posted the following question:-
"Someone help me…
How can i suicide with little pain?
Give me suggestions."

I went DUH ??? Well anyway, my curious self read on to see what people had answered. While most of the people went about trying to deter him/her from the act of committing suiced a few actually suggested methods.

Here are the relevant answers:-

1) "blow yourself up it will be awesome" -- huh??? Now how does he know it'll be awesome??? What if its not???

2) "jumping off a tall building is painless. try landing on your head. good luck" -- Just to ensure that you are not lightheaded you can shove your head up your ass... that way you're sure to die, either from the fall or whatever...

3)"Take a handful of Tylenol PM and go to sleep with a garbage bag tied around your neck." -- I don't know about the Tylenol, but I'd surely die from the smell of garbage ( advice:- don't use a fresh bag )

4) "Buy 12 ecstacy pills. Take all at once. Goodluck." -- Is this what you call to die out of happiness??? Would he be ecstatic to die???

5) "die by old age" -- by far the best one... but when can you say that you're "old enough to die :P" ?

My suggestions:-

1) Time travel back to when you were a kid and nuke yourself ( I mean your young-self... or whatever)

2) Go and tell your girlfriend that you're sleeping around with her best friend - death will be instantaneous - don't know about the painless part though.

3) If your eyebrows are joined like mine, then on a full moon night imagine that you've turned into a werewolf and eat yourself.

On a more serious note, here are a few quotes on dying:-

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. " - Yogi Berra.

"I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now— I'm booked. I can't afford to die— I'd lose too much money." -George Burns

"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." - Garrison Keiler

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. " - Sam Levenson

"When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once." - Samuel Butler.

"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual." - Patrick Moore.

"I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers. " --Bob Monkhouse

I hate love

2009-05-26T18:15:00.003+05:30

I was digging through an old diary last night which I had carried with me to Italy. One entry written sometime in 2000 struck me. I must have scribbled in down in a fit of frenzy over being heartbroken by some girl, movie-star, fender-stratocaster-I-might-not-have-been-able-to-afford; or I might have been generally pissed off with life. Really don’t remember the circumstances under which I had penned this down.
I googled out the lines and realized that every odd line is from a poem from the movie “A walk to remember”. I remember having watched it a long time back. Now that I think about it, it was a very beautiful movie.
Nevertheless, here goes:-

I hate love
Love is patient, love is kind
Love is screwed up, love is blind
Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud.
Love will someday kill you and also be your shroud
Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not become angry easily.
Love just pisses you off immensely...
Love does not remember wrongs done against it.
Love just counts the number of times you've not been right
Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with truth.
Love is a virus that spreads through bluetooth.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
Just can’t bear you and believe a single word you say
hopes all things, endures all things.
The worst to endure is love itself
Love never fails
But can screw you enough to make life hell

Disclaimer: This poem in no way reflects my true feelings about love :P. It was written ages back.

Punishment

2009-05-23T07:20:00.004+05:30

Repeat hundred times "I will not waste spend sleepless nights watching Heroes"

for ( i=0;i<100;i++)
System.out.println("I will not spend sleepless nights watching Heroes");

5 Episodes down... and its almost 4 in the morning.

For the people interested in watching Season 3 online, here's the link:-
Heroes Season 3 view online

I prefer watching DVD ripped versions though :)

Catch me if you can

2009-05-17T18:01:00.007+05:30

You know why the Yankees always win, Frank?
'Cause they have Mickey Mantle?
No, it's 'cause the other teams can't stop staring at those damn pinstripes.

Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse, wouldn't quit. He struggled so hard that eventually he churned that cream into butter and crawled out. Gentlemen, as of this moment, I am that second mouse.

Dear Dad, you told me an honest man has no fear, so I'm trying hard not to be afraid.

Ah, people only know what you tell them, Carl.

I want to fly like an eagle
To the sea
Fly like an eagle
Let my spirit carry me
I want to fly like an eagle
Till I'm free
Oh, lord, through the revolution

venice - I came I saw I went back...

2009-05-05T03:33:00.006+05:30

My first trip to Venice came as a 2-hour package.. not counting the 4 hours it took to go to Venice and the 4 hours of return journey to Trento. I realized one thing today. It is not the city but the people who make a place romantic and beautiful. There's nothing romantic about Venice where you're roaming around the place trying to find the main station with someone else's newly married wife, tugging around 20 Kgs of luggage in 30 degree centigrade temperature.

As I stood there watching the Gondolas moving in the murky canal waters all I could do was wonder why couples find this city so romantic. But then I guess I needed to be with that special person to realize that. Maybe the feeling of being in the most romantic city of the world with your loved one is what makes the heart flutter and the music play.

Hopefully I'll be able to hear the music and feel the romance in the air the next time I am in Venice.

IPL, SPL, FIPL, etc

2009-05-01T16:15:00.007+05:30

I can't really decide what's more interesting about the IPL (Or should I call it SPL ;); the fight for the last spot between KKR and RCB, or the blog by the so called Fake IPL player which already has nearly 4500 followers in the past 3 weeks.

I have been passionately following his blog for the past couple of days as soon as my friend informed me about a probable leak in insider information from the KKR dressing room. And being a typical Indian, and a Bengali at that, I couldn't really give up my hunger for a daily dose of humorous gossip. So here I was, voraciously devouring every article which the FIPLP doled out.

I was thoroughly excited when in today's post he mentioned in his P.P.P.P.P.S. that "I have decided to retire from all forms of cricket after IPL. I will disclose my identity on our last match day." ... wow... now that'll be fun. But I don't really know if I want Kolkata to get kicked out of the series earlier cause I want to know this guy's identity or I want them to stay put till the final cause I want him to keep on blogging. As for the other reason I would want KKR to stay on (viz. KKR winning IPL2k9) - I had given up hope a long long time back. I will not comment on the current team and its mismanagement cause I guess the FIPL Player is doing more than a commendable job and I can never match up to his acumen and sarcasm.

The latest news is that SRK has decided to sell the KKR. He's already been behaving like a ***** ( leave that to your interpretation ) by dropping "Kolkata" out of all the merchandise of KKR... ( src: http://sports.in.msn.com/ipl/article.aspx?cp-documentid=2985960 ).

I am currently following the KKR vs MI match on cricinfo.com and watching a deferred live version on http://livevideo.t20.com. Well for a change the KKR seems to be troubling MI ( I still can't believe Tendulkar got out to Agarkar ( was it just a bad shot, bad luck or did Agarkar plead to him last night for mercy !!! ).

A eternal optimist that I am, I am still hoping that KKR will somehow come through this series and not end up at the bottom. MI are 106/5 at the end of the 16th over....

P.S. For all the people who have not been privileged to read the FIPL Player's blog check it out at :-

http://fakeiplplayer.blogspot.com/

P.P.S. KKR as usual met up to my expectations and lost the match to MI

Of Turkish Coffee, Fortune Telling and Voltaire

2009-04-22T17:19:00.005+05:30

Last night I had Turkish coffee; "Kahwe" to be more precise.
It is served in a small porcelain cup with a homogeneous layer of foam on top of the dark brown fluid. You are first supposed to drink a cold glass of water to eliminate any prior taste that is left in your mouth. Then you should sip off the foam and then slowly drink the hot and pungent coffee. Once you finish your coffee (if you manage to do so without burning your tongue) you’ll notice that there is a thick layer of residue of coffee grains lying on the bottom of the cup (WARNING: Don’t try to taste it... it tastes yuck… personal experience).
Now that I am done with the technicalities of the process of Turkish coffee drinking, let me shift my concentration to the thick residue of coffee that I mentioned lying at the bottom of my cup. I had my fortune read by a Turkish Fortune teller… well she was a friend… she turned the saucer and placed it on top of the cup, closed her eyes and turned it over; then began the wait for the cup to cool and the reading to begin.
Begum picked up my cooled up and looked into it… “Ahem! … your cup says that you have a long road ahead, and you’ll face lots of obstacles” … etc, etc.
But you know what happens when someone tells you your future; you start thinking.
There was this movie I watched the other day “The Butterfly Effect”. Ashton Kutcher, the main protagonist in this movie had the power to go back in time and change things, as a result of which a completely different parallel universe was spawned and he ended up changing his future (or should I say the immediate present where he went back into time from). Pretty interesting stuff…That night I had lay on my bed wondering what I actually would correct in my past if I was given a chance to go back and change things. Maybe I’d win the 200 m race which I lost and missed out a chance to break my school record because I didn’t see the finishing line (strange you think??? Considering that I am stone blind without my glasses … not very!!!); maybe I’d have been careful enough not to lose my passport on a lazy winter morning at JFK; or would have drunk only mineral water in Belgaum and not ended up on bed with jaundice; maybe I’d have studied more and worked harder and been more successful in life; … But then… just think about it - If I had really changed anything, then it’d have changed all the things from that point on. And there are so many things about my present life I am happy about which I cherish. I am what my experiences made me; whether they are good or bad. Whether I succeeded or failed at a certain point of time doesn’t matter. By wanting to change my past I want to change myself… I might become a better, richer, and more successful man – but would that really be me or someone else? Would I still have the same friends I have, would I still be as happy as I am today, would I still be as loved or as hated as I am right now??? Who knows I might become less happy and less loved… maybe I’d have been somewhere in US of A without a job, or maybe even dead. So why would I want to change the past? What I can change though, is my future – cause with respect to my future, my present is my past (intellectual blabber :P !!!). Hence it really doesn’t matter what the readings in the coffee cup says, it doesn’t matter what the crystal ball predicts; what matters is what I think I want to do; what I want my future to be and whether I believe that I am capable of carving my own destiny and am strong enough to chase my dreams. That is what matters. I believe that my future lies in my hands and not in its lines.
So in the words of Voltaire “Tout est pour le mieux dans le meilleur des mondes possibles “ (roughly translates to “Whatever happens, happens for the best, in this best of all possible worlds”).

2009-04-13T19:19:00.004+05:30

As the sun sets over the mountains.. I can hear music and laughter floating down from somewhere... my guitar leans on a glass door, and I just sit back and watch the skies... And think of you....

Back on Orkut

2008-12-28T20:09:00.003+05:30

Well.. finally I am back on Orkut. Sometimes I feel its good to spend some time away from people. Gives you some time to think about life.. about what you want to do.. specially if you're jobless and jaundiced. Am feeling better now. All set to fly on the 1st. Have my fingers crossed though for the appo with the doc tomorrow. I still have to study a lot for my exams starting on the 7th

Unemployed, Jobless, and jaundiced

2008-12-11T19:39:00.004+05:30

I am 27, jobless, Unemployed, and jaundiced. Well most people might not find any visible difference between the first two adjectives, but I find them to be two quite distinct states in my life.
Let me explain. I am unemployed because currently I don't have an employer who pays me a fat paycheque at the end of the month; and jobless because I have nothing better to do than sleep, wake up, eat, watch TV, and go back to sleep. Well, though the first state of unemployment was attained by me by choice, the second state of being joblessness was rather force upon me by my third state - that of being jaundiced.
Well the story of my life has never been very simple. Though it may not make a Five-point-someone-like reading material, its not been by any means boring. I got an admission to do MS in Europe when I least expected it. I got a scholarship when I guess there must have been hundred others who deserved it more, and then I am just lying back on my bed jaundiced, and don't know if I'll be able to make it to the Jan deadline my University has been kind enough to grant me. Wow.... too many things have happened around me in the past few months, and for a change I could have done with a more boring and mundane life.Phew... that was a lot of frustration pouring out... I guess I should go back to watching TV.

Puzzled to death

2008-07-17T00:19:00.006+05:30

13 down ... 10 more to go.. I had to move slowly and steadily... nearing my kill... trying not to be spotted; which was tough; considering the number of corpses around me.

I spot another one of them, as he sits unsuspectingly. My weapon leaves my hand, silently and surely, zeroing in on my kill. And with a dull thud the life drains out of him (or her???). But even as his body falls to the ground, another one of them comes and takes his place... hovers around for some time, but eventually settles down. Slowly I move towards this adversary, and he too meets the same fate as his predecessor.15 down... 8 more to go....

Shit!!! I guess I have been spotted,I can hear them behind me, I turn back, and spot one hovering near my neck and with a quick movement Shakuntala Devi Zeroes in on it, and the buzz stops.

Who says puzzles can't kill. Armed with two books of Shakuntala Devi, I can take on a swarm of mosquitoes, and chances are pretty slim that any of them would get past either of the two books. And the proof of the pudding is on my walls and ceiling... sometimes I feel that had there been a world record for killing the maximum number of mosquitoes, I could have been a strong contender.

Of all my weapons, I like the "Puzzles to Puzzle You" the most. Because of its shape and size, it can effectively zero on its prey whether its on the wall or ceiling. It has been effective in killing over a couple of hundred mosquitoes in its short lifetime. Now thats what I call puzzled to death.

For all the people who complain that I don't get enough exercise.. well an hour of mosquito hunting is worth 2 hours in gym. It not only is a good form of workout, but also exercises my other senses, the eyes and the ears. A single buzz and I have turn around in a moment's notice, spot my adversary, and immediately go for the kill. A moments indecision can leave him scot free, way beyond my reach. Sometimes I feel like the neanderthal man.. hunt, eat, and sleep... I just do it in a different order- eat, hunt and sleep... Oops!!! gotta go, I just spotted another one sitting on the wall...

Euphoric...

2008-06-27T01:07:00.006+05:30

Today I'm in one of my whimsical moods...

Finally decided to write TOEFL... will enroll tomorrow
Gave up halfway through my application to Uni of Trento... will complete tomorrow
Am watching Russia vs Spain - yesterday's match was more exciting...
Was strumming my guitar after a long time... Alvida from Life in a Metro... I wish I really could mean it...
My Java book lies open on my bed, my certificates all around.. somehow life seems like a disorganized schizophrenia, but I am living in a soon-to-burst euphoric bubble.. wanna fall in Love again,walk in the rain, get out of the country, do something fun... high on life, incoherent thoughts coming to mind, I don't even know why I'm blogging..
Am a Team Lead... Lead and Me? I wouldn't follow myself... I am so lost...
I better watch the match and go to sleep.. Oh yeah there's a half read book to finish.. Will Isis shower her blessings on me?

Hasta La Vista My SQL

2008-06-24T00:31:00.012+05:30

Well well... I don't really know what to call this post... should it be an anti-microsoft post or should it be my frustration over open source softwares... well lemme just say its a post against bad programming... Also my foolishness of trying to use Vista and mysql on top of that.

Before I come to the point let me rant and rave a little. When I had bought this laptop in a hurry ( Alas I miss my Dell vostro 1500 with all my Akira Kurosawa collection :( ), I had to grab whatever I could lay my hands on.. so I had landed up with a Vista system... Well for one thing this laptop reminds me of my desktop... specially because Vista on 2 GB of RAM runs like XP on 256 MB ( maybe a little exaggerated ..but you get the point). After having overcome my initial frustration over Vista, and dual booting my system with Ubuntu Fiesty Fawn, I landed up with my second phase up frustration... Ubuntu nd you telecom... I still have not been able to configure my modem from Ubuntu... Miss those RedHat 9 days :(... anyway... thats for another post... lemme straight get to the point.

I primarily work on C, Sybase and Java on Unix... but being stuck with not being able to configure my net on Ubuntu, I decided to stop MS bashing and make the most out of it, hence stepped into the domain of Python and Java on Windows knowing fully well that I dont need to know the underlying OS for those. But today I decided to install mySQL cause I had heard a lot of praise of this RDBMS. Having once worked on PostgreSQL and later Oracle and Sybase, I decided to give mySQl a try. Well since I am not very sure of doing stuff on windows ( except listen to music and play Quake and CS ) I decided to install mySQL the .msi way... Everything was going fine... I had even disabled the UAC and restarted, even though I hated to see the Red shield flash warnings every two mins... the installation completed properly and everything looked good till I tried to Configure the server... Lo and behold...

I got an error which said "The application has failed to start because its side-by-side configuration is incorrect. Please see the application event log for more detail." --- HUH?????

Googled it out and found that there was a major compatibility issue between Vista and mySQL... perfectly understandable since obviously MS would want people to go for their SQLServer...but what is the solution.. Well digging a little further I found these steps for the benefit of others new to MS and SQLServer:-
Its from http://forums.mysql.com/read.php?11,195569,195569#msg-195569

To install MySQL Server 5.0.51a in Vista
1. Disable the UAC in Windows Control Panel->User Accounts
2. Use mysql-essential-5.0.51a-win32.msi
3. In the final step uncheck "Configure MySQL Server now"
4. Download and run Resource Hacker http://www.angusj.com/resourcehacker/
5. Open ...\MySQL Server 5.0\bin\MySQLInstanceConfig.exe with Resource Hacker
6. Navigate to 24\1\1033
7. Change

<requestedexecutionlevel level="asAdministrator" uiaccess="false">

<requestedexecutionlevel level="requireAdministrator" uiaccess="false">

8. Press "Compile script"
9. Exit Resource Hacker and save the result (overwrite the initial MySQLInstanceConfig.exe)
10. Now MySQLInstanceConfig.exe should start normally.
11. Configure the server.
12. Sometimes the server doesn't start:
a) Check Windows Firewall settings (3306/TCP)
b) Try changing the compability mode for the file ...\MySQL Server 5.0\bin\mysqld-nt.exe to Windows XP-SP2.
13. That's all.

THATS ALL?????? Just imagine... I need to hack a binary .. oops sorry.. ".exe" file to get mySQL running... Now my my... though its kinda fun and I was wondering what else I can sit and hack... But I guess I'd prefer to just fix my Linux and compile mySQl from source code, somehow that is a better proposition for me...

Tagged

2008-04-27T16:19:00.000+05:30

Last movie seen in a theatre:
U me aur Hum.. Gold class.... 350 bucks down the drain :( ....

What book are you reading?
Like the flowing river - Paulo Coelho

Favourite board game:
Chess.

Favourite magazine:
Mad, Forbes ... some day ( forbes I mean... :P )

Favourite smells:
Smell of the first rain on the dry ground, Fresh paint, Keo Karpin Hair oil.. old memories....

Favourite sound:
raindrops on my window pane and some voices that can always make you smile ...

Worst feeling in the world:
Hatred...

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
What day is it???

Favourite fast food place:
Burger King

Future child’s name:
Floccinaucinihilipilification.

Finish this statement, “If I had a lot of money I’d…”
Take my parents and friends around the world...

Do you drive fast?
If I could I would..

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
My mom would never let me... :P

Storms - Cool or Scary?
cool

Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
what's broccoli??? If its green, I hate it.

If you could dye your hair any colour, what would be your choice?
Burgundy :P

Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in:
Kolkata,Bangalore,New York

Favourite sports to watch:
F1 racing, Cricket (only when India is playing), beach volleyball...

One nice thing about the person who sent this to you:
Only one???? He ROCKS....

What’s under your bed?
Skeletons and buried desires...

Would you like to be born as yourself again?
Sure, and relive it once more :)

Morning person or night owl?
depends when's the party...

Over easy or sunny side up?
sunny side up -- thats the only kind I can cook

Favourite place to relax:
anywhere out of office...

Favourite pie:
Apple pie...

Favourite ice cream flavour:
Fluffy Marshmallow-Chocolate Ice Cream

You pass this tag to –
Tanuka, Rahul

Of all the people you tagged this to, who’s most likely to respond first?
Rahul

Murphy's laws;how things can screw up; etc etc

2008-02-03T06:26:00.000+05:30

Well before people make me narrate my story again and again I decided to blog what happened today. Partly to quench the curiosity of people and partly to just get-it-out-of-my-system....
I didnt get much sleep yesternight cause I was pretty excited about going back to India... and while I should have been sitting on the Emirates somewhere over the Atlantic blogging this, I am unfortunately back to my room in Jersey city venting out my frustration and grief over the keyboard... well you must be thinking I missed my flight... au contraire; I was there at the airport almost an hour before checking even started.. and I was also there standing helplessly when the flight took off...
So before you start speculating and centemplating any further, here goes:-
The cab was before time today morning. I was pretty excited about that cause since what had happened to Nagu yesterday ( he was late to the airport ... to cut the long story short ), I had asked it to come at quarter past six thats over one and a half hour before the reporting time. By the time I hauled my luggage out of the house and into the cab, it was another 15 mins. The sky was slowly turning crimson. The wind was a little chilly, and I pulled my "Kris jacket" tightly around me. We got into the cab, Kaushikda and me and the cab sped of to the airport.
As we passed Holland Tunnel, Chinatown, Manhattan bridge, the sun had come up. I turned around to take a glimpse at the beautiful New York midtown skyline for the last time... or so I thought... We arrived at the airport and I got off from the cab, hauled out my luggage from the trunk of the cab, and put down my black laptop bag to pay the cab driver... aye.. mark that black bag, cause thats the center of attraction... After I paid him and turned around to pick up my laptop bag, which contained my laptop, my passport, my tickets, my marksheets, my traveller's cheques, etc etc etc ... I saw it missing.. the cab had already sped off... I thought I might have missed it in the cab; immediately called up the cab and it came back... but as you'd have guessed by now, no bag... though it was expected, cause I had taken it out.. frantically looked around, but again... no bag. My first reaction was "Fuck.. ths can't be happening to me". I had heard stories about people losing passports, people losing all there marksheets and documents, etc etc, but never had thought would have to face it myself... specially at a time like this... I was supposed to be flying in another 3 and a half hours... next what followed was a few frantic calls to 911 - sorry to say I was disappointed... the police arrived an hour after my first call... I guess they were fighting over jurisdiction of whether its NYPD or Port Authority who should be handling it. I called up office, told them about the incident. Filed a police complaint, cancelled my tickets, and all I could do was come back to where I was staying in NJ... I dont really feel like calling it home. Next followed a few phone calls to get the traveller's cheques cancelled... to no avail.. Bank of America's online service does not have details of traveller's cheques issued... I'd have to go to the issuing branch on Monday... provided the one who stole my bag is foolish enough not to encash it. Same for my account closure cheque. I was not even able to get to some representative of ICICI bank to cancel my credit cards... thats another story... Ran after the port authority police all over the city to realise that nothing can be done before Monday. Same for the Indian Consulate here. Looks like entire New York just sleeps over the weekend.. not that I do anything otherwise... but now whats left is to wait.. and to exclaim "Oh shit" every other time I realise what else was in that bag... now I'm even scared to think what else could have been there.

That sort of sums of why I'm sitting in my room ( again... it sucks to call it my room ) blogging and not enjoying some wine over the Atlantic... To sum it all up I can only think of a corollary of Murphy's Law.. when things screw up; they screw up real bad... While I sitting in the subway on my way back from the Port Authority today evening I shut my eyes for a moment and thought that all this is some stupid nightmare, and will go away as soon as I opened my eyes... I opened my eyes, and realised that I had only passed one more subway station...

Mamma I'm coming home

2008-01-17T01:04:00.001+05:30

I'm trying to convince myself that I wont miss NY, that I love Bangalore, that I'm dying to get back... but the truth is, I'm confused. I know that the very moment I step out of NY, I'm gonna start missing it. I love walking down the Hudson; I love Times Square; I love PJ Carneys'; I love Heineken and "Pyro"; I love the Angus, Love bacon and cheese; love my friends and my life here...
Then why am I going back? Well even I don't have an answer to that.. is it just one woman? is it just the desire to get back? is it just that dusty road that still beckons? dunno where I'm going; dunno what I'm doing; life is just a meaningless existence now.. shunning the things I have and running after things I can never have... well I guess thats what all of us are going through... then we sleep..
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;

Another Year has gone...

2008-01-04T11:15:00.000+05:30

Well, been meaning to write something for the past three days, but I guess another year passing by has just made me older and lazier. I guess am just growing older... God knows when I'll grow up. Its 13 degrees below zero outside now, and all I can do is sit and watch movies on my laptop.
New Year's eve wasnt that bad. Arabic food,fireworks, a glass of wine, and a little five year old who came and hugged me and said that he loves me :).
Watched Tarein Zameen pe... loved it. Been watching a lot of movies lately... Tried watching The Clockwork Orange - crazy movie - have to be stoned to watch it; same goes for Trainspotting. Outsiders is a beautiful movie too. Johnny is still screaming from his grave to me saying "Stay Gold Ponny Boy... Stay Gold".

From the sin city to the city of angels...

2007-12-28T09:15:00.000+05:30

Another city, another night, and once again I fall in love... sunset blvd, holloway drive, Beverly hills,Greystone Park... places that somehow enchant and beckon. I love walking around Farmer's market picking on food. I love the walk of fame; I love coming home to the oscars at the Kodak theatre, I love walking on the Hollywood Bowl pretending to sing in front of a huge crowd... I love everything the city has to offer.
Las Vegas had its own charm with its nightlife and bright lights, but Los Angeles is different. An old world in a new world, a city of dreams, a city of angels. A city which has seen dreams being realized and hearts being broken.
Driving through the sands of Nevada from the sin city to the city of angels listening to the desert rose was another revelation. High on music, sleepless nights, and the longing to be in the LA kept us awake. The sun bouncing off the sand, we left the tables that are haunted by the ghosts of Las Vegas, left the fear and loathing behind; we drove to atonement; to the angels; to LA.
Now am back to NY... back to sanity, back to work... no more love, no more fear, its only loathing now; loathing for oneself; loathing for the present state of mind searching for sanity; trying to find love in the snowflakes; seducing oneself with money... life's crazy... but I guess thats what I need to keep myself sane; cause am going to hell; and wont find my angel there... she'll be somewhere with someone.. just looking at me from far away... with a wry smile on her face.

2007-12-06T00:50:00.000+05:30

I am going through a writer's block.... the words don't seem to flow, the thoughts are incoherent, the lines don't rhyme... Is it the weather, the cold the snow... or is it the boredom? Well I am fed up of doing what I am doing. But then I really cant think of anything better to do either.

All I do is yawn sitting in office, staring as the snow as it gently floats down on the river; yawning throughout the afternoon; impatiently waiting for the time to pass....

Changes....

2007-10-13T07:18:00.000+05:30

Feels odd....feels just like yesterday when I wrote my first blog... and I was a year younger then...

A couple of hours from now I'll be 26... but nothing much has changed...

What hasn't changed : still miss the same old places... still love the same old people... still miss Kolkata, Durga Pujo, Rosogolla.... still sleep at work... wish I was taller... and dream only about you....

What has changed: I'm farther away from home... New city.. different people... the air is colder... I have more money and less friends... eat pizza for lunch... and you're not here....

Just another brick in the wall

2007-08-23T01:52:00.001+05:30

Its cold and raining in New York. Today the temperatures are low and the necklines are high.
Although I hate going out in the mild drizzle and cold weather, I had no other option but to walk up to Steve's Pizza - had been too lazy to cook lunch.
But the awesome juicy cheese pizza was worth the 5 mins walk.
As my teeth bite into the soft cheese, and the juicy tomato and molten cheese spreads into my mouth, I close my eyes and am momentarily transferred to some magical world, away from the crowd around me.
Not that there was much crowd today. The gusty winds and soft drizzle is enough to scare the numerous tourists who usually flock around the New York Stock exchange. You don't see the usual crowd shouting "Cheese" all around the place; the couples kissing; the kids jumping in joy, a few trying their leg at mid-street football....
As I enter Wall Street, a chill runs down my spine. Not because its cold; but the very feeling that I am working on the Wall Street makes me feel strangely ecstatic. Then Floyd's lines come back to me - "All in all you're just another brick in the wall" ... I smile and move on.

Egg Curry and laptop configurations

2007-08-17T07:33:00.000+05:30

Today was a day of checking out laptop configurations, trying to figue our how to run the jobschedular to automate the resubmissions of failed jobs, and finishing it off with cooking egg curry....
Well everyday I am learning new stuff... thats the best part about being in NY. Atleast I know that by the end of my couple-of-months stay I would have made some value additions to my skillsets.. even if that is limited to learning to cook..
Cooking is sort of an art.. there is actually no recipe... like painting, you just have to know what to do... and hope that the world likes it. Luckily this is my second day of cooking and yesterday the food didn't taste so bad.. just hoping today it won't be any worse.
Learnt a few things like the green chillies burst open once put into boiling oil... your eggs might face the same fate unless you're not careful enough to m ake small cuts or holes in them... And looking at the cost of medical treatment here i really wouldn't want to get burnt. I really wouldn't be happy if my Dad had to sell off his house and give the reason that "My son was learning to cook and burnt his hand" ;). Anyway, cooking is much simpler than selecting laptop configs. I really can't decide whether to go for AMD Turion or Intel Core 2 Duo. Not that either of the two really matter so much. But when you're ready to spend around 1000 bucks on something, you really got to think a lot... even if that means arriving where you started out atleast three times. Come to think of it, this is the max i've ever spent on myself... and maybe ever will... I mean my hard earned ( I know you're laughing - so am I) money....
Anyway... enough.. time to taste the food I cooked. I hope its atleast better than the pathetic stories I cook up.

palak and daal

2007-08-16T06:18:00.000+05:30

I have got over my initial enthuthiasm and excitement of coming to the US of A. Now the tall buildings don't leave my mouth wide open [:D]... The people around no longer leave me gaping... you know what I mean. Yeah its a beautiful place I agree... Wall Street has its own charm... Times Square is B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L... I am yet to visit Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, Atlantic City etc etc.... But somehow I feel like a tourist in front of the Taj Mahal... one who can take photos, be mesmerised by it, stare at it for hours... but can't exactly decide to stay there forever... thats what I feel currently.
One good thing that happened to me is that I learnt to cook. Today I cooked Palak, daal and Roti... And no, my rotis do not resemble the Map of India... Maybe a little like the map of USA... ha ha... that a lot more rounder... [:D]
Well I have also learnt a few other things - the value of certifications, the value of understanding finance if you wanna stick to this domain... How good M & M's taste... the list will go on and on as time progresses.
I hope by the time I leave I'll have added a lot of other things to the list.

Food for thought....

2007-07-13T21:41:00.000+05:30

I feel that lately I've become very irritable. I get easily disturbed over small things, fight with people, get stressed, and end up unhappy. And the fact that I am still awaiting my final appraisal and am anxious about it is not exactly helping matters.

One thing is for certain - the quest for "more money" never ends. Howmuchever money you might have, the more-factor still remains. You can always have more and so always want more. And currently am striken by this more-factor. I really can't decide how much more I want.

Lets hope tomorrow is a better day and I am able to come to peace with myself. Somewhere deep down I feel something is missing. I am not happy with myself... am not happy with the state of things. But to correct it is my responsibility entirely. So I have to find a way. I can't change the direction of the wind, but can sure set my sails accordingly to take me where I want.

A few workarounds....

2007-05-23T14:58:00.000+05:30

Last few weeks we had problems in office cause our proxy was blocking googletalk... and with Yahoo messenger, meebo and all other messengers out of the way a long time back, I was feeling a little left out.. Orkut being my only mode of communication with the outside world...
I searched all over the net for a workaround, but most of the sites that were listed are already blocked by our proxy. But after a lot of search, I found the following site:-
http://talkgadget.google.com/talkgadget/client
Add the above URL to your favourites and sign in using your gmail userid and password. And Bingo, you're logged in. In case you're using firefox, goto your Bookmarks menu, navigate to the above bookmark, right click and choose Properties and then check the checkbox that says "Load this bookmark in the sidebar". So next time you open this bookmark, it'll load in the sidebar, so that you can keep it open while using the other tabs in your firefox. IE users do not have that advantage though.

Another problem which one of my friends brought to my notice today morning was that esnips has removed its "download" button for all music files on the site.... I guess they're being bugged by the level of music piracy on the net. Though I would not personally support music piracy, as long as people download music for their listening pleasures I really don't see any problems... If I can listen to it for free on the Internet, why can i not download it and listen to it later?
The workaround for this was so simple that I even a child can do it. Follow the following steps:-
1) Before browsing to the page where the song is being played clear the "C:\Documents and Settings\{YOURIDNAME}\Local Settings\Temporary Internet Files" directory on your machine
2) Now browse to the page and let the song buffer to completion. You can enjoy the song while it plays.
3) Now go to the Temporary Internet Files above on your machine.
4) You'll see a media file there. It'll have a strange name like "?=113242345" or something of this sort.
5) Copy this file from this location and paste it to some other location.
6) You can now listen to it even if you're not connected to the Internet.

Am happy...

2007-05-09T01:44:00.000+05:30

There are times when you're proven right at the end of the day, when you get a chance to say "I told you so"... when you look at your Orkut scrapbook and smile cause some old memories suddenly flash by... when you try downloading Spiderman III and it turns out to be a porn movie... when you laugh at your own stupid jokes, and read the testimonials people have written for you over and over again trying to figure out how people flatter... Well today was one of those days... rare days when you smile, laugh, and feel that life's not as bad as it seems... When you listen to the same song again and again.... and say "Good times bad times I've had my share...."

In trepidation I walk

2007-04-30T13:54:00.000+05:30

I am a man who walks alone
And when I'm walking a dark road
At night or strolling through the park

When the light begins to change
I sometimes feel a little strange
A little anxious when it's dark.

Fear of the dark,fear of the dark
I have constant fear that something's always near
Fear of the dark,fear of the dark
I have a phobia that someone's always there...

Crash was scary...The Pursuit of Happyness left a small lump in my throat..

I feel lonely, dazed, confused.... somehow trying to hide in my shell, and yet trying to break free.

XL ki kudiya......

2007-04-11T00:15:00.000+05:30

Well well... I'm smitten once again... another song I'm listening to over and over again.. a song that makes me want to go back to college, to pick up my guitar once more ( my roomie dreads that ), to let down my hair and dance. Kudos to the people who sang it. Here's the link for all those who love some kao music:-

XL Ki kuriya

And for all those who want an insight into the people who created this masterpiece, here's the story:-

The bodhitree

If music be the food of love...

2006-12-25T15:20:00.000+05:30

Oh Well… lemme just face it… I’m not that philosophical type (or whatever I was trying to be). I am more of the regular mixture of a-little-bit-of-work-and-lots-of-fun type .I’m no good at writing about the skeletons in my closet (now I don’t even remember where I picked up that phrase- though damn good it sounded then ;-) ). Lately I’ve tried to act knowledgeable and philosophical (again the goddamned word). I made a friend gift me the “Ulysses” by James Joyce. Ok ok; you “have-read-alls”, maybe it’s a li’l too late to be reading Ulysses, but even at this age Leopold Bloom eludes me a lot ( More about him and the book later - the book deserves an entire blog dedicated to itself).

I am listening to a lot of western classical music lately. I have suddenly developed a taste in Bach, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, and Chopin. But cheesy as I am, I also dug out a Joe Sat’s rendition of Beethoven’s 5th symphony. It sounds real crazy and mindblowing. And as they say in the Mc-whatever: “I’m loving it”. For all the daring ones, here’s Joe Satriani’s version :
Download it from:
Joe Sat's rendition of Beethoven's 5th.
Its sure to blow all your senses apart.

Inspired by all the maestros I have finally started fiddling with my guitar once again. My pick was Pete Seeger’s rendition of the “Little Boxes” .For all the people who have not missed the new ad for Zen Estillo featuring the song, here’s a little trivia:
Little Boxes written by Malvina Reynolds in 1962, is said to have been inspired by the houses in Levittown where all the homes looked the same. Even the gardens were manicured similarly, and the residents hung out clothes on specific hangers. The song is a satire on bourgeois conformist values. The song’s best-known performance was the one by Pete Seeger in 1962.
So here it goes:-
Little-Boxes-(60s)

If the above links don’t work, you’ll find the songs in my folder :-
http://www.esnips.com/web/paraphernalia

Incoherent thoughts

2006-12-11T00:37:00.000+05:30

Its strange….. My mailbox is empty, and so is my scrapbook… Is it mere coincidence or are they reflecting the void in my life?

Am I confused about life? Or am I confused about my existence? Is to exist to live? A question asked a million times with no answer…. And I ask once again….

There are lots of questions we know the answers to, but we just tend to ignore them… lest our worst fears come true… I am not a saint. I have skeletons in my closet – skeletons I have carefully hidden for years, ghosts of which wake me up at nights and haunt me.

I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow. I don’t know where I really want to be. I close my eyes and see faces. Faces I want to be with tomorrow – but either the tomorrow never comes, or the faces don’t.

Incoherent thoughts fill my head, I’m not drunk. Vodka actually clears my head, and today I haven't had any. Hence am confused. I try to ignore everything that happens around me. I tell myself things will fall into place tomorrow…. And the tomorrow never comes.

I feel like a refugee, have left behind my past, unsure of my present, and future I have none….

2006-10-12T21:11:00.000+05:30

A few hours from now as the clock strikes midnight I'll turn 25... As I sit and look back upon the last 2 and half decades of my existence I am confused about my feelings. I still remember the times when I was too scared to let go of my mom's hand while crossing the road; when the sound of the airplane was real scary; when a Dairy milk chocolate or chicken roll meant more to me than a 5 figure salary. When I did not make friends based on status, or degree or qualification. When life was much simpler... When paper boats on rainy days meant more than a new car.... when Bandhs meant parar cricket.... when Durga Pujo was more fun and less of commercialization...
Though the Backstreet boys never played the genre of music I like, I can't help humming one line "Sometimes I wish I could turn back time... impossible as it may seem…”. What if I could turn back time? What would I actually change? Or would I change anything at all? There are lots of wrongs I'd like done right... but then, its because of those wrongs that I have a lot of things that just seem right... confused? So am I....
4 hours to go and as scenes from my short life flashes in front my eyes, its faces that actually come up... that cute little girl in first standard whom I dreamt of marrying... whom I never met again later... that ice-creamwala for whom I used to wait patiently everyday on hot summer afternoons... My art teacher who taught me my first brush strokes... that fat guy who walked into the classroom in class V and later became my best pal... the tears on my Mom's eyes every time I boarded the train for Bangalore... the pride on my dad's face at the news that I have got a job... that stunned look on my HOD's face when I shouted at him in the backstage... the surprise on my could-have-been-girlfriend's face when I said I was lucky to be walking down Brigade Road with such a pretty girl... it all comes back to me...
I guess am lucky to have survived for so long and have got what I have.. cause as one of my friend's said.. I am happy right now and that’s what matters.. cause I don't know whether I'll be happy tomorrow...